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Gerby

Gerby Funkelnibber is a middle-aged tinker who lives with his parents in Fleakettle, Kansas. His favorite TV channel is the Home Shopping Station, which is the source of nearly every doohickey he currently owns. On a typical night, he'll watch a rerun of Sledge Hammer before switching over to the HSS, usually falling asleep as the beautiful Greta von Queesinartt prattles on about the next Incredible Appliance You Simply Can't Live Without!

 

To be honest, Gerby is a bit of a bore...and a boor. Fittingly then, he's quite often bored. However, he's recently discovered a hopefully-endless supply of amusement. It comes as a bit of a paradox that this new diversion has as its genesis a population he's come to loathe with both his brain cells. To wit, he absolutely hates squinkers. Although he rarely ever catches sight of a racoozle, he hates the holes they keep digging in his yard. In point of fact, Gerby doesn't actually know his hatred would be better directed at the racoozles. Since he instead spies squinkers cavorting about the yard, as they frequently make use of racoozle tunnels, he genuinely believes they are the perpetrators of this pockmarked mine field he calls a yard. One time he filled half a dozen holes with a few shovels full of displaced dirt. When he returned the following morning, not only was his work entirely undone, but 3 more holes had materialized. So it's no secret among his neighbors that Gerby is a bonafide squinker hater. He's even been collecting various makeshift weapons which he hopes will win him ultimate victory over his furry, toothy nemeses.

 

But I digress; back to his newfound source of amusement. Because the racoozles have killed off several goji trees, a squadron of pesky jinkies have taken up temporary residence in the Funkelnibber back yard (see Jinkie section for further explanation). Gerby has discovered that jinkies are heavy sleepers, not even awakening after being pelted by a bag full of moldy tangerines. The day he realized this fact about jinkies is the day that revolutionized his life. 

 

While Gerby had become quite an expert squirrel-catapult builder, he had recently become bored as he watched yet more and more squirrels take unwanted flights into the neighbors' yards. He needed something new, something....novel, to keep his attention. 

 

So, for the past few days,  Gerby has been waking up at the crack of dawn (not at the typical break of noon) to have himself a little fun at jinkie expense. When jinkies sleep, they hang upside-down. This body position exposes the stubby little nub on their underside, just behind their grotesque legs. What purpose does this nub serve? Scientists have yet to formulate a coherent answer. But it seems Gerby has discovered the "incredible reason for nubbitude", as he calls it. 

 

Being a tinker, and a chronic sufferer of ennui, it may have been a foregone conclusion that this particular flock of jinkies were bound to become collective recipients of experimental prosthetics. The first night, he chose to "nubbify" one of the racoozle victims who hadn't been able to regain its treeish perch. Amidst bursts of barely-contained chortles, snickers, and tears of unbridled amusement, Gerby super glued a hefty landing gear wheel to its nub. For the remainder of the day (save a few forays into the house to grab some grub) Gerby admired his own superior genius as he watched his first patient hobble ungracefully around the back yard. Truth is, by the end of the day this jinkie had gotten so used to the wheel that it was able to whizz past all its unwheeled peers. 

 

That night Gerby missed watching the Home Shopping Station for the first time in ages.

 

Having found his true life's calling, Gerby has now been cannibalizing many of his mechanical contraptions and ransacking random drawers for parts to attach to jinkies. A small sampling includes a bicycle airhorn, a spring, a vacuum cleaner hose, gargoyle figurines,  a rubber duckie, a pair of tongs, a flashlight, a snow globe, a bidet nozzle, and a pineapple. He's soon hoping to upgrade to mechanized, battery-powered attachments for even greater heights of hilarity. 

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